My Life
by sharkBait17
Summary: Now, before you guys get your panties in a knot, this is not a fanfiction of any sort. Its more like a journal entry for myself. If you dont want to read it, dont. I dont know any good blogging sites so Im just posting it on here for the time being. If anyone knows any sites, dont be afraid to elaborate :3


Im not entirely sure where Im trying to go with this, but I feel like if I put my thoughts down onto a piece of paper(virtual or not), maybe it might help me get some stuff off my chest that I cant always say to other people. I dont want to pull a self pity act that make my friends and/or other people around me feel sorry for myself. I dont want people to pity me. I dont want to pity myself. It felt okay the first few times but after awhile I got tired of it. Im not gonna lay around my entire life feeling sorry for myself because I cant find a good boyfriend. Or my friends decide to hang out with other people than myself. I have come to realize that they do have other friends to hang out with and a life of their own to live without constantly thinking about me. Im not gonna lie and say it wasnt hard seeing them having fun with other people than myself. It makes me envious but Im sure that Im not the only one who feels like that once in awhile too. Everyone must feel like that. Even more so when you have to work around your friends to hang out with them because of some stupid hate triangle thats going on between my friends.

Sierra hates Caitlin, Sara hates Sierra. Its complicated trying to hang out with them when I have to plan around everyone. Its like each person has their own time alloted to them and when one(Sierra) doesnt get her time she gets mad. Caitlin is more understanding. She knows I have other people to hang out with, granted Id rather hang out with her most of the time, as bad as that may sound. But shes been around a long time and has gotten me through alot of shit that I dont think I could have gotten through on my own.

Sierra, on the other hand. Has a different way of working. Shes so used to just toughing it out on her own as shes grown up so when her friends are having a hard time she just leaves them alone to do it on their own. When Ive told her several times before that I dont like being alone when Im having a break down, she just turns her head and leaves me be. But I guess everyone has their own way of dealing.  
Now Sara, well, Im not really sure how she works to be honest. She always put up a tough wall. To this day Ive never seen her cry once. Ive heard that she's cried a couple times, during a break up and during a time her mother was in the hospital. Which is legit reasons to cry. Shes always complaining about how shes so ugly and fat and I honestly cant believe how low of a self esteem she has. I thought I couldnt get any worse. The only times I ever feel pretty is when I actually get all dressed up and have make up on. But aside from that, she is the pretiest girl I know and I cant believe she can think like that. Makes me want to smack her in the face.

Anyway, I believe we're getting off subject here. (Though Im not sure what the point of this is anyway)

When I get the chance to stop and think back to a year ago, and where I was then. It kind of surprises me. Who I was last year to who I am right now. Ive changed alot. Not even a year ago, mere months ago I was some arrogant, lying, think she can get her way, 21 year old who, granted, was having a bit of a tough time finding a home. Im not pulling the self pity card if thats what it sounds. Im just recalling my 'oh so horrible life' when I was getting kicked out of every place possible.

So since my Grandma died when I was 18, Ive been basically hopping houses. Living with my friends, foster care, friends, friends. I eventually ran out of options and it was literally almost to the point of living on the streets. I honestly had to put myself on kijiji asking for someone to take me in. Like, what was I, some kind of animal? Basically. But someone was kind enough to take me into their home, and give me shelter. For a short time anyway. Eventually I got tired of him. Not in a bad way. I was honestly surprised at how immature he was acting. We'd get into arguments about the stupidest shit, and one night he called the cops. He told them I was trying to push him and being 'aggressive' and I was possibly drunk. Pfft. Please. I hardly drink as it is. Dumbmass. Anyway, the cops came, obviously. And I told them exactly what happened, while crying of course. Ill admit Im not the strongest person and having to face a cop kind of broke me down. So I told him I was, actually, trying to have a mature conversation with him as to why he was kicking me out. Because before he called the cops, his reason for kicking me out was, "Just because." And to me, that was the most stupidest reason I have ever heard. You dont just kick people out of your just because. After I had explained to the officer what went down, he turned to me and said, "I cant see you being aggresive" and proceeded to tell me that he wasnt going to remove me from the house and to just avoid my roommate. Which I had no qualms about anyway. Yada yada I finally found a new place to move to, which I am right now. And all is dandy.

Few months later, I have a stable job, great boyfriend, whom I might possibly go live with next year. Debating how my visit with him goes in February. It is a long distance relationship if anyone wanted to know. And before people start critizing about long distance relationships and how they dont work and what if hes cheating. Dont. Ive heard it all before from my friends in town. But you know, everyone is different. Everything works out different for each person. I had two long distance realtionships before this one. The first one I was with for a year and a half. But he was just too immature for me and apparently happened to be gay as well. So Im sure you can see how that was never going to work out. Second lasted about a month. He, was even worse than the first. I talked to him in skype everyday, and honest to god. I planned on going to visit him for a couple weeks, which I actually did, but Ill get to that soon. During our planning over skype, he contsnatly tried to get me to agree to stuff I didnt want to do. One, was pumping water up my ass to clean out the shit so we could do it doggy style. "Oh I promise you it'll feel good." "Its not that bad" etc etc. To which I kept saying no and to which he kept pestering me. I finally just told him maybe just so he'd get off my back. Go to visit him, lasted a day. I went back home the same day I got there. No way in hell.

Now for my current one. Which happens to be best friends with my first long distance failure. Ironically enough. But Aaron, Aaron is so much different than the other guys Ive ever dated. Hes sweet, charming, holding a steady job and a hell of alot more mature than I am. I honestly want this to work out.

I never thought Id say this, but I cant wait to grow up. Sure. Im 21 now, turning 22 in January. But Im still immature. I want to have a family. Ive watched my best friend have a child, whom I adore so much. Shes just so adorable and so full of energy. Watching her makes me want to have my own child. Now dont get me wrong, Im not going to charge head first into motherhood. Granted, Im alot more ready for a child than I was say, half a year ago. But I dont think Im 100% ready yet. But, if fate has me in its sights, and I do happen to get pregnant at some point in the near future, at least Ill be ready..ish for it. And I wont be going in blind either, with my friends experience for a year so far it should work out alright.

But I think Im gonna end this here for the day. I gotta run and do some quick shopping for my ferrets before the pet store closes for the day. Ill try and update again soon, god knows when but soon :)


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